In today’s economy, which is the sort of economy where a lot of articles begin with the words “In today’s economy”, everyone needs a backup trade, something to fall back on and bring in a little extra money when times I hard. For the most part I’m able to make a living as a freelance writer, but occasionally times are hard, and so to supplement my income I’m going to break into your house.
In the meantime, with my writer’s hat on, I’m going to explain to you how I’m going to do it.
It was around this morning I decided that I was going to break into your house. The weather’s picked up an awful lot today, which will make it more pleasant for me to be wandering around back gardens trying to find a way into people’s homes. It’s less fun in the rain.
Also, there’s a good chance you will be among the many people taking advantage of the improving weather to go and take a little holiday. This brings me to step one of my plan to break into your house.
I find hoodies and balaclavas are very slimming when you’re on the job.
Step One Of My Plan To Break Into Your House: Do The Research
Much like the CIA, MI6 and the Martians, I have found spying on you way easier in this day and age. There was a time when if I wanted to find out when your house was unoccupied I’d have to sit outside in a car for ages waiting for someone on your street to pack up all their stuff into a car and drive away. It got boring, and on more than one occasion I had to wee into an empty Ribena carton, which is tricky.
Fortunately in this day and age when people go on holiday they go out of their way to tell everyone about it through Twitter and Facebook. Yes, Facebook’s supposed to private, but you haven’t checked your privacy settings for a while, so I know not only about that trip you’re planning to take at the bank holiday, but also that take way too many pictures of your cat. Foursquare is another invaluable tool here, as when you go into some fancy bar in Majorca it tells everyone about it!
Step Two Of My Plan To Break Into Your House: Locate An Entry Point
This is the crucial bit. Once I’m certain you’re not in your house, I need to figure out how I’m going to get in your house. There’s a few old tricks I can use to do this. For instance, so long as there aren’t any deadbolts on your door I can jimmy my way in with a credit card. I’m really hoping you don’t have deadbolts, because jimmying a door open with a credit card makes me feel just like I’m in the movies.
Slightly less glamorous, but way easier, is simply picking up your spare keys. Above the door frame, under the flower pot, inside that little plastic rock that you think looks so convincing- I’ve seen it all before and quite frankly I’m a little insulted that you thought I wouldn’t think of it.
Of course, if the doors are locked I can always find my way in through a window. If you don’t have any decent double glazing installed it’ll be easy enough to smash a window. Even if I can only find a small one, it’s surprisingly easy to find a kid who can crawl through the gap and let me in through the door.
I’m a bit shy, so my ideal break-in point will be somewhere hidden, behind a shrubbery or around the side of the house where neighbours are less likely to spot me. I’ll make a particular point of avoiding cameras, because quite frankly I don’t photograph well and always end up blinking when the flash goes off.
Step Three Of My Plan To Break Into Your House: Grab Your Stuff
This is my favourite part of my plan to break into your house. Nicking stuff has become way more lucrative over the years, as more expensive gadgets and have become even more portable. Hopefully you’ll have left your iPod, Laptop and DVD player all scattered around in full view. Ideally they’ll be close to the door so I don’t have to spend too long looking for them.
Of course, I’m not in too much of a hurry, so I’ll be checking for jewellery boxes and so on in your wardrobe and under the bed.
Then I’ll be off on my way, sincerely hoping that you’ve got insurance.
So, thanks, I guess.
Sam Wright is a freelance writer and apparently an occasional burglar who also writer for the Double Glazing Forum on energy saving and security measures for people’s homes.